Happy New Year

Happy New Year to one and all.

While majority of the world are busy making new years resolutions I find myself sitting here and thinking of past years mistakes and broken hearts. I am grateful for any and all blessings I have. The human inside me still lingers on the notion “what if”. As a young adult life seemed full of possibilities. I had my whole life planned out. I wanted to have that great office job. A large house with a long front porch and roses of all colors in the front. To be with my first love for the rest of my life. And then the ink on my imaginations pen ran out. Everything I thought crumbled due to my own negligence. It’s a very long story but each time I think back it all stems from that one moment. When I told a boy the first time that I was starting to like him more than just a friend…

I am no beauty queen. Quite average actually. And he, in my mothers opinion, wasn’t on my level. That I could do better. I admit she was right but the heart wants what it does right? You all know by now I come from a muslim family. I am a muslim and my morals mean so much to me. Even then. The idea of a boyfriend is a BIG no no! So we kept it quiet, well for as long as possible…but I am jumping ahead now. We instantly clicked. People were actually jealous of what we had. Yes we were young, and blatantly wanted different things from life but I needed comfort at that time. I needed love. Or thats what I told myself. It was the first time I ever held a boys hand, ever sat next to a boy, and even allowed him to put his arm around my shoulders. I was expecting some bollywood type romance where we fall in love and thats that. We would be together till the end…..UNTIL UNIVERSITY STARTED.

Long distance doesn’t work for anyone. And for young people its a death sentence for any relationship. He had his life and if I remember his words he “didn’t want to have to be thinking or be worried for someone 400 miles away”. If he only knew how much those words hurt me. We shared many things, many we shouldn’t have. And I admit I did it out of desperation to keep him interested in us. And to no avail. For a year I tried to get him back. Nothing. He ended up dating his “friend” and enjoyed that whole fantasy of dating a smart, white girl.

Que in my downfall. I had many friends who happened to be male and some even were fond of me but somehow once I was aware of that I pushed them away. I didn’t believe or couldn’t that anyone would want me or love me. So I went on making mistakes and mistakes. I ruined my education. I ruined my relationship with my family and out of desperation to be away from everyone I agreed to get married.

I lucked out on that part because I found my husband and while he isn’t the most romantic of the bunch he committed to me. We have a beautiful girl and boy. And yes we have issues and always will but I see he has pain in his eyes from past experiences. Some of which people jumped to the occassion to tell me. Hoping for a reaction.

And yet, I still think of 16 year old me. What I had hoped and wanted. If I could I would go back in time and smack some sense into that girl. Tell her life is full of opprotunity but only if she stayed focus. That no boy is worth her tears and heartache. That actual love you only find once you have kids. THAT IS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. I can’t deny I don’t have any feelings for that boy I once loved. Or thought I loved and if I happen to see a photo of him on facebook or any other social media site I still feel a pang of hurt from that broken heart I once had. I look at my kids and thank God for whatever happened. It was a hard life lesson learned.

So take each year as a lesson and learn my dears. Regrets are a part of life. Just promise understand them and grow.

SK

Growing up in a south asian family

This is not going to be a philosophical post in regards to the title. This will instead be from what I have experienced and seen myself all my life. No doubt being a woman regardless of what culture you are from has its demands. Some more stressful than others. I am blessed to have many things in life and I thank God for each one. However, at some points in my life I feel an overwhelming feeling of resentment to the male individuals. In our culture men are given a certain amount of superiority from birth. Apparently it’s a privilege to have a son, and more than one is a big bonus! I have boys, and I love them with all my heart however I do long for a daughter because I know exactly how precious they are!

We girls grow up in such a protective atmosphere. Not just to keep harm away from us but to prevent harm from coming on the family’s name. If a boy were to have a girlfriend, kudos to him! But god forbid it were the other way around all hell would break loose! The girl would be verbally abused. Threatened. Emotionally black mailed and eventually, in some cases, married off. Then I guess she is someone else’s concern. It was the same in my household. Heck we weren’t allowed to wear make up till we were 18 and even then it had to be barely seen. I still did quite a bit anyways. Not that I was even remotely good at it. But it was my rebellion. Never allowed to wear revealing clothing, which I didn’t mind. I prefer to be full covered. People don’t need to see me and I don’t need to see their bare assets either.

Now I’ve had cousins, aunts, friends, etc who have done every fashion in the book. They went out in the evenings with their friends. Had boyfriends. Lied. Cheated. Stole. But always had an excuse given for them. Not me. My extended family LOVED to put all the blame on me even when there was none to give! It’s cause I never fought back. I didn’t want to. I mean who wants to fight with their family? My parents always told me to forgive and forget. I did that for many years and now I am at the point where I could care less. I wish everyone well but I am not some rag doll to throw around!

Being a married woman now, not much as changed. My husband is the head of our family and I like it this way. I enjoy listening to him. When he takes charge. But when it comes to certain issues I do argue but end up biting my lip to prevent a fight from ensuing. My mother was the same and I have learned a lot from her. Sometimes I feel as if I am looking at her in the mirror. I actually appreciate everything my parents have done for me. They putting restrictions on me made me the woman I am today. I have a loving family. What more could i want?

Any girl who says it was suffocating and still did all the shit she wanted is full of it. spoiled brats in my view!

Winter Holidays- Where Moms go CRAZY!!!

Good Morning you Gorgeous people!

Well today marks the first day of winter break for my kids. Though they are too little to even realise what that means the little one is relieved I’m not getting them ready for school. It’s a love/hate relationship for that one!

People always go on about how kids change your lives for the better and how people are chosen by God to have them. Before I start on that let me just clarify, I LOVE MY KIDS. Every snotty nose, headache, broken plate, etc. But NOT EVERY PERSON SHOW BE A PARENT!!! I’ve seen many crash and burn and who suffers the most? Those poor kids. It’s easy to bring a child in this world but the true weight of that responsibility doesn’t hit home till about a few days after you bring that beautiful angel at home. The types of Parents I’ve noticed are as follows:

1) The Working Parent- Now this goes for both moms and dads. While some know exactly how to manage a work life with a home life, others fail miserably. In this type of economy, it is imperative to have a two income household if you even want to live moderately. But is you can’t handle both, then perhaps one should wait to have children. You’re not doing anyone any favours and certainly not yourself. Work is stressful, I know. But if you are going to come home and throw that on the kids, well thats just wrong!

2) The Immature Parent- This isn’t only for those teen moms. But any person, at any age who is well, just immature! Once a parent you are not entitled to privacy, to alone time, etc. Your kids is an extension of you. ITS A BIG RESPONSIBILITY. Being so self involved in your own life that you can’t sit with your child for five minutes is not right! How can you nuture a child when you are not even mentally grown up yet? I’ve seen this first hand. Where the mom was so into her own life that she failed to see her child struggling. In life, in school, etc. It’s been 15 years since shes had that child and still she can’t get over herself!

3) The ” I WILL ONLY LOVE YOU IF YOU DO THINGS FOR ME” Parent- This one in particular pisses me off! Even in old age if the only way your child who has kids of their own, can get love from you is if they give you things, then shame on you! God is watching, and children are a test from him. Don’t F__K it up!

4) The overly protective parent that covers every bs- Now AHS Freak show had a severe example of this with Dandy and his mom but the idea is pretty much the same. If your child is a pathological liar, abuser, drama king/queen then a) you messed up somewhere raising them or b) you need to stop covering for them so they can learn a life lesson the hard way cause it will only bite you back! Don’t get me wrong. I was a teenager. I lied and had a rebellion period of 2-3 years but it ended there and I ask forgiveness for putting my parents through so much every day from God. But hold shit, some people don’t fear karma!! I hate lies and liars. Some of the shit they come out with makes me laugh and what pisses me off even more is how they then play the victim card and get away with everything. Hence why I don’t keep ties with such people. It is a waste of time and quite frankly I don’t want that type of negativity around my kids. Cause let me tell you, if they ever tried that on my kids I will punch them in their face!

I believe thats enough rant for this morning. Gotta get my kids up and breakfast ready 🙂

Keep happy you guys Life is short and no one gets out alive!

xx SK xx

The Intro…

To be honest, I have contemplated beginning a blog for a while now. Obviously with the help of Barney Stinson and other factors pushing me to it I finally caved in. There is a high chance no one will ever read anything here but if it’s a form of catharsis and helps me unburden myself with the everyday stress then why not eh?

I will just end your curiosity here. I won’t be revealing myself personally here. To protect myself from backlash and just the enjoyment of an invisible veil from me in the world. What matters is what is written right?

Speaking of which my content will be erratic and all over the place, like myself. I warn you now. There will be moment where I might be overly hormonal and lash out and others just about a simple curry I made today so please bear with me 🙂

Hope you at least feign interest in my blog. My love and peace to you all

xxx SK